Good bye my friend

How do you say goodbye to your best friend? How do you willingly take his life from him, even if his body is failing him? How do you take a happy, smiling, tail-wagging, big brown-eyed friend and say "sorry buddy, this is for your own good."

When my oldest son was in 1st grade, my youngest son was in preschool, we bought a beagle/springer mix from Last Hope pet adoption. My oldest, Ethan, claimed him as his own and named him 'Brownie' for his brown eyes and spots. This adorable little puppy won our hearts through sleepless nights of barking because he was lonely, and through chewed up chair spokes and potty-training accidents. He would chase his tail, bark at his reflection in the window, jump up to catch bubbles, and snuggle in your lap.

I soon became his 'alpha dog'. His momma. He followed me everywhere, being careful not to step on his toes. He was my shadow. When he heard the door open he would bark. Sometimes he heard things that I didn't, for which I was grateful. But he hated to be alone. We needed to buy a bark collar for him when he was in his kennel. He loved his crate and received a treat when he would go in it, but he needed to be with people or he barked. Other than that he would not bark much for which we were grateful.

We took Brownie on many family trips to South Dakota and he enjoyed wrestling with Grandma's dog, Tubby. He loved car trips and would run straight for the car when he saw us packing our bags. He enjoyed camping trips, hikes along the MN north shore and our local day trips to parks.

When Brownie was still a puppy, the challenges of raising him became so much that I packed up his belongings and was going to take him to the Humane Society. I struggled with the decision. I finally decided to hand this over to God. I said, "God, if I am going to commit to raising this dog, I need your help. This is your animal that you have put in my care. I promise to give him the best home possible. We will love him completely, but I need your blessing." Brownie was saved from the 'dog pound.'

We've had our struggles through his 'accidents' in the house, sensitive stomach and vomiting on my carpet, getting into the trash cans, eating kleenex, jumping up to eat food off the table and countertop......just to name a few. But I compare raising a dog to raising children. They try your patience, but you love them so much that you forgive them.

When I think of Brownie, I compare his presence in my life to God's presence. It's no coincidence that God created pets to help mankind in many ways. Brownie loves us unconditionally. Even if we are having a bad day and don't pay him any attention for awhile, he comes to us and shows us he still loves us and wants our attention. Just like God, Brownie follows me everywhere. He is always by my side. Sometimes I let him go first, to walk in front of me. Sometimes I let him chase me. And sometimes he just lays by my side for comfort. Even when I go in to a room and shut the door on him, he lays down outside the door, sometimes paws at the door for me to let him in, but he waits.....patiently. When I leave the house and leave him at home with others, he will wait at the window. He will watch me leave, and I've been told he will pace and whimper, and go back to the window and wait, or lay down at the top of the stairs and stare at the door. When I come back home he gets excited and runs to me to inhale me as I shower him with kisses, reassuring him that I missed him too. I believe God is alot like that. He is our father, but in many ways shows us that same unconditional love and devotion that our pets do.

Through the years, Brownie's body has shown signs of deterioration. It started with soft, fatty tumors popping up all over his body. One tumor kept growing so large that it is now the size of a football, under his right arm along his ribcage. One tumor was harder and almond-sized. In 4 years it has grown to be the size of a grapefruit, hanging on his neck, below his collar. The vet extracted cells and said they look like cancer cells. Devastating news and heartbreaking decisions had to be made. I, myself would have paid for surgery to have it removed, but my husband could not fathom spending that kind of money on saving a dog, especially if it was cancer, which he thought could spread and cause imminent death anyway. The vet agreed that letting nature take it's course is an option. After all, Brownie was a senior citizen now and had many tumors. At 12 years old he is walking a bit slower, but still active and happy. The tumor under his arm has made his arm deformed as it extends out to the side more. Brownie's breathing seems more labored and he gets tired-out easily. His appetite has increased from getting 2 meals a day to now 3 meals. He always seems hungry as well as thirsty. At this point we had used the Bark Off device which would make an dog whistle sound if he barked. It worked for a while, but no longer. He now barks incessantly when he is in his kennel, ignoring the whistle. We  don't know why. His neck tumor is very hot to the touch and very heavy, stretching the skin so taut that it is now starting to show small scabs where the skin has been broken. It is for these reasons that I believe waiting would only prolong the inevitable, and I don't want him to be in pain.

But how do you say goodbye to your friend? Your guardian angel? Your ever-present comfort?

I will take him for a long walk. He has had all of his dog food, and now is finishing his treats, and I have saved a hamburger for him to have for lunch. He is oblivious to what is in store this afternoon. We follow our daily routine; feeding, potty, morning scratches as he sits at my feet, and his morning nap. And I had a long talk with him. I've told him how much I love him, to please forgive me, and asking God's blessing and to please take him into His care. God only knows what purpose he had for Brownie in our lives. I know we have been blessed beyond measure to experience, grow, and love him. I don't know what God has in store for pets on the other side, if their spirit or energy moves on to the other side. I do know that God is love. And I do know that pets are unconditional love. I do know that God created animals. I believe God has a plan for them as well. I hope to see him again some day, God willing.

Good bye my friend. Until we meet again.