Homecoming. Interesting word. My American Heritage Dictionary describes it as 1. 'a coming to or returning home.' 2.'In colleges and universities, an annual event for visiting alumni.'
From my house I can hear the high school marching band practicing outside. Through the open windows I can smell the sweet breeze of brown fallen leaves and the rustling in the trees. My eldest is now a senior in high school and my baby is now a freshman. My senior had never played high school football, so his dad and I hadn't considered attending a football game, even though we knew a few of the boys his age that played on the team. Tomorrow night is their homecoming football game against their rival city high school team. It will be my first local football game and I am excited.
This town is now my 'home'. After living here the longest than anywhere else, I feel my roots extending deep into the history and presence of what is Apple Valley. We bought our home 18 years ago in a modest neighborhood where we intended to raise our family. Growing up, my parents moved a total of 11 times that I can remember, dotting the southeastern towns of South Dakota. My dad was a WWII vet and retired feeder pig dealer, my mom a homemaker. They rented homes and even tried owning and managing a motel. But about every 1-2 years they felt unsettled, so they lifted our roots once again to plant them elsewhere.
When I was 11 years old they bought an acreage 7 miles from a small farm town of about 200 people. I was in 6th grade. I came from a nice town with many friendships and landed in the country surrounded by farms, hay bales, and dirt roads. Our house was over 100 years old with a musty cellar basement with a dirt floor, and an unheated upstairs. I was angry, indignant, and just royally pissed off at my parents. Why did they bring me to this place in the sticks? It seemed like the land that time forgot and the kids all wore jeans and t-shirts. Whether I liked it or not, this was my home. At least for the next 6 years.
Yes, I eventually made friends with the locals. Slumber parties, sports, cheerleading, riding in cars with boys, homecoming week, with theme days: Hat day, inside out day, punk day (this was the 80's, mind you), bonfire pep rally, marching band, football game. We had it all, and with a small high school of only about 40 kids, we had to DO it all. We were involved.
Homecoming. Was this home to me yet? Did I really fit in? Did they accept me as one of their own? Homecoming coronation. I had 6 other classmates. Five boys and 2 girls. We were all nominated to say the least. My fellow girl classmate was born and raised nearby, and in a town that small, everyone is related to everyone in one way or another. You're a cousin, or your sister married her brother, or your parents are cousins. I was the 'outsider'. I didn't 'belong'. Not only that, but my parents 'didn't belong'. My sister 'didn't belong'. We didn't have family ties there. We weren't born or raised there. I was different. I liked popular pop, rock, and disco music. They liked country. I liked the clothes that were popular in magazines and tv. They liked their jeans and tennis shoes. I was constantly reminded that I 'wasn't here when that happened', when she wet her pants in 4th grade, or when he was held back in 5th grade, or when their uncle died, or when they got married. Oh ya, 'you weren't here then.' 'You wouldn't know, you aren't related.'
Homecoming. Interesting word. I walked in the procession to the stage in my pink satiny dress with the lace bodice. My hair curled like Farah Fawcetts. As the 7 of us stood on that stage, the reigning Queen took her crown and walked back and forth, finally placing the crown on my classmates head. Not on mine. The reality of that move made it all so real to me. I didn't belong. This was not my home. I didn't have a right to claim a stake here. She deserved it. I'm sure there were other factors involved in the deciding votes. Was I everyones friend? Did I make the time to forge new friendships? Was I involved enough in school activities. I humbly accepted my label. Second place. Runner-up. On with the homecoming festivities.
Resentment? Maybe just a little. Forgiveness and grace? Alot. I eventually dated and married my high school sweetheart. I have tenure now. I am one of 'them'. Not only that, but 25 years ago I claimed the title Valedictorian of my class. Even if it is only #1 out of 7. I staked my claim. I now call Canova my original 'home'. My alma mater is there, my home church is there that I was confirmed, married, and baptized our babies in. My extended family of in-laws are there. I even designed the town Centennial logo and claimed my local fame. Who knows, I may even be buried there. Yes, it is my hometown.
I hope my sons feel deep roots here in Apple Valley. They attended schools here from preschool, to grade school, to middle school, and now high school. I wanted my sons to feel grounded, to feel like they belonged. I wanted them to feel confident, assured, and accepted here. They have made lasting memories here. Friends, sports, overnighters, garage bands, backyard bonfires, football games. Even if their class has 500 students and their high school has over 2,000. This is their home.
Homecoming? Depends on what you call home. What's yours?
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Here's To New Beginnings
Have you ever been thrown into a swimming pool and told to swim when for the life of you, you had no idea?
That's what it feels like if you quit or lose your job and are forced out of the job market either willingly or unwillingly. You are forced to swim. Whether you like it or not. You have to flow with the current or drown. Trying to keep your head above water, gasping for air, and saying "I think I can, I think I can!"
One year ago I made a heart wrenching decision to leave my job of over 16 years as a Dental Hygienist. For many and various reasons I felt the need to break the ties that bind and venture off into the world of the unknown to experience something new in life. It had been 2 years since my breast cancer diagnosis and treatment, yet I continued to get a flu-like illness almost every 6 weeks, and I was battling a myofascial pain in my hips and legs, as well as pain in my back and neck. My relationship with my fellow hygienist was waning as I dreaded going to work in the morning to listen to her incessant banter and opinionated comments. It was like fingernails on a chalk board.
There were sleepless nights, there were tears, there were insensitive comments from my family, there were questions from friends. Why would I, a hygienist who loved her work and her relationship with her patients, want to leave a very good paying job to stay home as a full-time homemaker? My symptoms were not visible on the outside. Many people had no idea how I felt. I worried how we would pay the bills without my income. My husband had a wonderful job that paid well, but he had retirement plans. He had been saving his money for our retirement living and to fund our boys college education. Would this have an impact on their future?
It's hard to describe, but for awhile I had been feeling an internal stirring, to what most Christians would attribute to the Holy Spirit working in my heart. I felt like I was being led, or pulled, or nudged. Not to mention that I had been praying and asking God to direct me down the path that he had willed for my life. I asked for him to use me according to his purpose. Have you ever asked God to enter your life and show you the path that he intended for you? If you do, don't be surprised. He may have a different plan that you hadn't planned on.
Back up two years. I had just turned 40. I had the intuition that I had a great life, but maybe too good to be true. Have you ever felt like you were running a race, and it was exhilerating. You feel on top of the world and so alive. Then as you're running, you see a washed -out bridge ahead. You anticipate what could happen. That's how I felt. I had an intuition that something was ahead but I didn't know what. I turned 40 in November of that year and celebrated with friends at a big party. December came and went and a little voice kept telling me 'make your doctor appointments! Make your doctor appointments!' So in January I decided to just go ahead and make all of the appointments that were overdue.
After an exam and mammogram it was discovered that I had a small lump. My life forever changed at that moment. I felt like the walls of my perfect life were crashing down around me. I drove home in a daze, maybe speeding a little too much, feeling reckless, feeling the need to live life fuller. As the tears flowed, and the prayers went out, I felt an inner peace. I was madder than hell and vowed that God wasn't done with me yet. It felt like God was telling me everything was going to be fine and it wasn't him that was doing this to me. Could it be the Devil? Could it be sin? Could it just be a fluke of nature? What caused it and how should I handle it? It didn't matter. I again felt an overwhelming sense of peace that everything is in God's hands and I needed to hand this over to him with faith that he had a plan for me. Through this I would trust him and I would learn from whatever experience it brought.
This was the beginning of the epiphany that I had before leaving my stable job. This was the beginning of the stirring of my spirit. This was a mixed blessing. Yes, I went through some pain. I went through some uncomfortable times and some inconveniences. It was a bump in the road and I came out on the other side with a greater appreciation for life in general. I savor the moments with my husband and my boys. I look at my aging mother with empathy and compassion. I hug my friends and listen intently to what they say, then tell them I love them. I am thankful for my modest home that I always thought was too small. And I languish in new friendships and experiences, knowing that God is opening new doors and windows for me to go through.
Where has the past year taken me since I left my job? I've been soul-searching. I've been asking questions. I've been praying. I've had some wonderful, eye-opening experiences such as a mission trip with our middle school church youth to Thunder Bay, Canada, and I encountered wonderful, loving sisters in Christ at our church's Women's Retreat in Wisconsin and I've decided to be a small group mentor for 9th grade girls at my church. I've dabbled more into my photography, and started creative writing again. I spend quality time with my family and attend to their needs. I make time a priority to spend with girlfriends and for forging new relationships. There have been down times as well. I'm not going to kid you. There have been times when the tears start to flow. Times when I sat on the couch with the computer or tv and didn't have the energy to get up. Times when it felt like a depression was washing over me. The guilt of putting my family in the position to do without some excesses because we were on a budget. The guilt of not being able to keep the house spotless and clean clothes put away, or new groceries in the refrigerator. A guilt sets in when you stay home full-time yet are unable to keep things perfect. Your husband works 10-12 hrs. in a day and wonders 'what did she do all day?' Your kids come home from school and ask 'what do we have to eat, and where are my clean clothes?'
Well, I have given up my high expectations for a perfect house and perfect kids or perfect marriange. I don't think I ever expected perfection. Life is a school and we are continuing to learn. I go with the flow. I swim with my head above water. And I'm learning a few new 'swim strokes' to go in new directions. But I'm enjoying the trip. God isn't done with me yet. We have big plans ;) Here's to new beginnings.
That's what it feels like if you quit or lose your job and are forced out of the job market either willingly or unwillingly. You are forced to swim. Whether you like it or not. You have to flow with the current or drown. Trying to keep your head above water, gasping for air, and saying "I think I can, I think I can!"
One year ago I made a heart wrenching decision to leave my job of over 16 years as a Dental Hygienist. For many and various reasons I felt the need to break the ties that bind and venture off into the world of the unknown to experience something new in life. It had been 2 years since my breast cancer diagnosis and treatment, yet I continued to get a flu-like illness almost every 6 weeks, and I was battling a myofascial pain in my hips and legs, as well as pain in my back and neck. My relationship with my fellow hygienist was waning as I dreaded going to work in the morning to listen to her incessant banter and opinionated comments. It was like fingernails on a chalk board.
There were sleepless nights, there were tears, there were insensitive comments from my family, there were questions from friends. Why would I, a hygienist who loved her work and her relationship with her patients, want to leave a very good paying job to stay home as a full-time homemaker? My symptoms were not visible on the outside. Many people had no idea how I felt. I worried how we would pay the bills without my income. My husband had a wonderful job that paid well, but he had retirement plans. He had been saving his money for our retirement living and to fund our boys college education. Would this have an impact on their future?
It's hard to describe, but for awhile I had been feeling an internal stirring, to what most Christians would attribute to the Holy Spirit working in my heart. I felt like I was being led, or pulled, or nudged. Not to mention that I had been praying and asking God to direct me down the path that he had willed for my life. I asked for him to use me according to his purpose. Have you ever asked God to enter your life and show you the path that he intended for you? If you do, don't be surprised. He may have a different plan that you hadn't planned on.
Back up two years. I had just turned 40. I had the intuition that I had a great life, but maybe too good to be true. Have you ever felt like you were running a race, and it was exhilerating. You feel on top of the world and so alive. Then as you're running, you see a washed -out bridge ahead. You anticipate what could happen. That's how I felt. I had an intuition that something was ahead but I didn't know what. I turned 40 in November of that year and celebrated with friends at a big party. December came and went and a little voice kept telling me 'make your doctor appointments! Make your doctor appointments!' So in January I decided to just go ahead and make all of the appointments that were overdue.
After an exam and mammogram it was discovered that I had a small lump. My life forever changed at that moment. I felt like the walls of my perfect life were crashing down around me. I drove home in a daze, maybe speeding a little too much, feeling reckless, feeling the need to live life fuller. As the tears flowed, and the prayers went out, I felt an inner peace. I was madder than hell and vowed that God wasn't done with me yet. It felt like God was telling me everything was going to be fine and it wasn't him that was doing this to me. Could it be the Devil? Could it be sin? Could it just be a fluke of nature? What caused it and how should I handle it? It didn't matter. I again felt an overwhelming sense of peace that everything is in God's hands and I needed to hand this over to him with faith that he had a plan for me. Through this I would trust him and I would learn from whatever experience it brought.
This was the beginning of the epiphany that I had before leaving my stable job. This was the beginning of the stirring of my spirit. This was a mixed blessing. Yes, I went through some pain. I went through some uncomfortable times and some inconveniences. It was a bump in the road and I came out on the other side with a greater appreciation for life in general. I savor the moments with my husband and my boys. I look at my aging mother with empathy and compassion. I hug my friends and listen intently to what they say, then tell them I love them. I am thankful for my modest home that I always thought was too small. And I languish in new friendships and experiences, knowing that God is opening new doors and windows for me to go through.
Where has the past year taken me since I left my job? I've been soul-searching. I've been asking questions. I've been praying. I've had some wonderful, eye-opening experiences such as a mission trip with our middle school church youth to Thunder Bay, Canada, and I encountered wonderful, loving sisters in Christ at our church's Women's Retreat in Wisconsin and I've decided to be a small group mentor for 9th grade girls at my church. I've dabbled more into my photography, and started creative writing again. I spend quality time with my family and attend to their needs. I make time a priority to spend with girlfriends and for forging new relationships. There have been down times as well. I'm not going to kid you. There have been times when the tears start to flow. Times when I sat on the couch with the computer or tv and didn't have the energy to get up. Times when it felt like a depression was washing over me. The guilt of putting my family in the position to do without some excesses because we were on a budget. The guilt of not being able to keep the house spotless and clean clothes put away, or new groceries in the refrigerator. A guilt sets in when you stay home full-time yet are unable to keep things perfect. Your husband works 10-12 hrs. in a day and wonders 'what did she do all day?' Your kids come home from school and ask 'what do we have to eat, and where are my clean clothes?'
Well, I have given up my high expectations for a perfect house and perfect kids or perfect marriange. I don't think I ever expected perfection. Life is a school and we are continuing to learn. I go with the flow. I swim with my head above water. And I'm learning a few new 'swim strokes' to go in new directions. But I'm enjoying the trip. God isn't done with me yet. We have big plans ;) Here's to new beginnings.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)