Tomorrow is a turning point milestone for our family. A page in our lives is being turned to reveal a new chapter of a story that began 18 years, 7 months, and 22 days ago, but who's counting? My baby is moving out and starting college life. Not my youngest, but my first-born baby; the answered prayer, the little miracle boy, the blessing that everyone waited for. The little punkin-face that we spent many nights in the hospital with while he was under the bilirubin lights, attached to wires, and gavage tube feeding. He wanted to come 5 weeks too early, but we made him wait another week in-utero. With a sleep-deprived mother still in pain from the c-section, we got to take him home after he had gained enough weight and had learned to nurse on his own. I was completely in love with this precious baby we had created. Over-protective? Oh yes.
Ethan continued to thrive and grow. We survived the 'witching-hour' when he would cry uncontrollably between 5-7 pm. That passed. The upper respiratory illnesses, one of which gave us a scare and landed him in the Children's Hospital over his 1st birthday with croup. Again, mom slept on the couch next to his bed in the hospital and endured sleep deprivation again. He endured ear infections and eventually 4 sets of ear tubes and a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy. This little boy had many illnesses to endure but he continued to be a happy, playful boy.
The first 3 years my Ethan and I were two peas in a pod, spending the days together, attending Early Childhood Development classes together to play and learn, going on play dates to the parks with other moms. He was obsessed with cars, memorizing all 63 of the GM models in the car catalog we received in the mail. He played endlessly with his matchbox cars. Sesame Street, Barney, Arnold the aardvark, Magic Schoolbus. Playdoh, finger painting, bubbles, sand, glue, glitter. This is what our days were made of. Priceless.
At almost 3 years old Ethan had to learn to share his mom. His baby brother was born. He quickly learned what was safe or not safe around the baby. He had to share toys, time, and attention. Preschool, learning the alpahabet, late night story-time, moving to a big-boy bed, and holding his hand while he fell asleep. Yes, he had mom wrapped around his little finger.
As he climbed aboard the big yellow school bus for kindergarten, I laughed and waved as this little boy with the big backpack climbed up the stairs, turned around and waved. I was letting him go for the first time. Tears welled-up in my eyes. I had no control over his environment at this point. He was entering the school system. So proud and so happy, yet bittersweet. My boy wasn't a baby anymore.
Soccer, hockey, basketball, baseball, football, track, he tried them all, and his dad and I tried to attend every game and cheer him on the sidelines. Cub Scouts brought camping, meetings, patches and pins, field trips, good times and learning experiences. In 1st grade Ethan wanted a puppy more than anything. Our visit to Last Hope pet adoption day brought Brownie into our lives. He and Austin loved him like a little brother, and Brownie loved them back for the next 12 years.Spelling bees, essays, crossing guard, trombone, sleep-overs, birthday parties, summer camps. Grade school came and went in a flash. Friendships came and went just like the funny expressions and silly words they made up.
Middle school brought music, concerts, and drumming. New friends, Xbox and the computer. "Hanging out" instead of play dates, more serious parent-teacher conferences, and more rules and a memorable 8th grade summer trip to Washington D.C. More independence brought more consequences to learn from. Studying wasn't 'cool'. Early mornings during the week meant sleeping in on the weekends and staying up late with friends. Mom and dad certainly weren't cool anymore and we didn't know anything. I still remember the school principal telling the parents at the first meeting that your child will become an alien. You will not know who they are during the middle school years. Try to ignore most of what they say and don't take it personally. Keep firm rules but loosen the leash. That was so true. Hormones change their personality for a while, but they eventually grow into the person they were meant to be. It takes patience and tolerance during the middle school years.
Entering high school was like the end of an era and the beginning of adulthood. Harder classes and more responsibility, trying to fit in with the right group of friends, figuring out what sport or activity was a right fit. Bonfires, football games, dances. More overnighters. The most challenging times are the ones where you have to let go of your child and trust that they will use their good judgement, knowing that they will test the boundaries first. Expecting there will be some bumps in the road. First car, first road trips, first discussion with a police officer, arguments about getting a summer job. All were par for the course. He survived. Boy Scouts gave him the opportunity to go on adventure trips that also molded him. The Boundary Waters Canoe trip, and the Philmont, New Mexico hiking trip both saw him come home a changed person. He also made his own decisions to do his own thing and not continue with scouts. As a parent who can see the value in scouting, I also saw the value in him making his own decisions and realizing that path is not for everyone. Nontheless the experiences he had were invaluable. Watching him flourish as a drummer was the proudest moment. His daily drum sessions at home, and then practicing with is friends eventually led him to joining a band. I had great pleasure watching them perform and use their talents for the 2 years they were together. It was also time for Ethan to move on when he decided to go to college and knew it was time to leave the band.
Ethan excelled his senior year. He was determined to raise his GPA for college. After applying and visiting his 3 favorite state colleges we were excited for him to be accepted at St. Cloud. It was an answered prayer. He lived in the moment from one day to the next, but it was time to think about his future. It was time to become an adult. Ethan took his senior year very seriously. Not only his studies but his relationships with friends. He wanted to spend more time with his buddies and make memories. He knew this time was fleeting. Watching him and his friends cross the stage to receive their diplomas was surreal. I had watched these young men and women grow up since I had known them as babies and preschoolers or grade schoolers. Was it really time to let them go out into the world alone?
Ordering books, buying bed sheets, towels, mini refrigerator, texting his soon-to-be roommate. It's been a busy summer preparing for the next chapter. I have no idea what emotions to expect. As a mother I see this baby, this little boy, holding my hand and wanting me to read to him, snuggling in bed, tickling his face. Now he's a man with whiskers, who doesn't want to hug his mom but pushes her buttons to get her to tell him how much she loves him. It's an emotional power struggle. A boy, yet a man. He does, but he doesn't want mom around. On these last few days before we make the trip to St. Cloud there are laundry lessons, money lessons, discussions about college life, transportation, dorm living, classes. Ethan reminds me, "mom, I'm moving out in 2 days. Hey mom, I'm moving out in 2 days. Are you gonna miss me? Are you gonna cry?" He already knows the answer. He just wants reassurance that he will be missed.
Am I nervous? A little. Proud? Oh ya. One thing I do know for sure; there is no greater experience than giving birth to your child, teaching them and raising them the best way you know how and watching them bloom and flourish into the person they were created to become. I believe in destiny and I believe that God has a plan for each of us. With the right direction and support we eventually take the path God has laid out for us. There is no greater joy than to have this child given to you for these short 18 years to help mold them, create them, all with God's help. They are only loaned to us and we give them back. With our continued support and guidance, they are in God's hands now. I do know for sure that my son has his moral standards and Christian values in place. He has made up his mind to do certain things and to not do certain things. He knows that he can do anything he sets his mind to, and he knows he has a family and a God that love him unconditionally and will only be a phone call or a prayer away. That is confidence and faith in action.
As we drive down the road tomorrow, vehicle packed with is belongings, I'm sure we will get more 'mom time'. I will savor every word and moment. It is only a new chapter for him, and for me. I look forward to unfolding the continuing story. I will expect challenges, I will expect joy. Such is life.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Good bye my friend
How do you say goodbye to your best friend? How do you willingly take his life from him, even if his body is failing him? How do you take a happy, smiling, tail-wagging, big brown-eyed friend and say "sorry buddy, this is for your own good."
When my oldest son was in 1st grade, my youngest son was in preschool, we bought a beagle/springer mix from Last Hope pet adoption. My oldest, Ethan, claimed him as his own and named him 'Brownie' for his brown eyes and spots. This adorable little puppy won our hearts through sleepless nights of barking because he was lonely, and through chewed up chair spokes and potty-training accidents. He would chase his tail, bark at his reflection in the window, jump up to catch bubbles, and snuggle in your lap.
I soon became his 'alpha dog'. His momma. He followed me everywhere, being careful not to step on his toes. He was my shadow. When he heard the door open he would bark. Sometimes he heard things that I didn't, for which I was grateful. But he hated to be alone. We needed to buy a bark collar for him when he was in his kennel. He loved his crate and received a treat when he would go in it, but he needed to be with people or he barked. Other than that he would not bark much for which we were grateful.
We took Brownie on many family trips to South Dakota and he enjoyed wrestling with Grandma's dog, Tubby. He loved car trips and would run straight for the car when he saw us packing our bags. He enjoyed camping trips, hikes along the MN north shore and our local day trips to parks.
When Brownie was still a puppy, the challenges of raising him became so much that I packed up his belongings and was going to take him to the Humane Society. I struggled with the decision. I finally decided to hand this over to God. I said, "God, if I am going to commit to raising this dog, I need your help. This is your animal that you have put in my care. I promise to give him the best home possible. We will love him completely, but I need your blessing." Brownie was saved from the 'dog pound.'
We've had our struggles through his 'accidents' in the house, sensitive stomach and vomiting on my carpet, getting into the trash cans, eating kleenex, jumping up to eat food off the table and countertop......just to name a few. But I compare raising a dog to raising children. They try your patience, but you love them so much that you forgive them.
When I think of Brownie, I compare his presence in my life to God's presence. It's no coincidence that God created pets to help mankind in many ways. Brownie loves us unconditionally. Even if we are having a bad day and don't pay him any attention for awhile, he comes to us and shows us he still loves us and wants our attention. Just like God, Brownie follows me everywhere. He is always by my side. Sometimes I let him go first, to walk in front of me. Sometimes I let him chase me. And sometimes he just lays by my side for comfort. Even when I go in to a room and shut the door on him, he lays down outside the door, sometimes paws at the door for me to let him in, but he waits.....patiently. When I leave the house and leave him at home with others, he will wait at the window. He will watch me leave, and I've been told he will pace and whimper, and go back to the window and wait, or lay down at the top of the stairs and stare at the door. When I come back home he gets excited and runs to me to inhale me as I shower him with kisses, reassuring him that I missed him too. I believe God is alot like that. He is our father, but in many ways shows us that same unconditional love and devotion that our pets do.
Through the years, Brownie's body has shown signs of deterioration. It started with soft, fatty tumors popping up all over his body. One tumor kept growing so large that it is now the size of a football, under his right arm along his ribcage. One tumor was harder and almond-sized. In 4 years it has grown to be the size of a grapefruit, hanging on his neck, below his collar. The vet extracted cells and said they look like cancer cells. Devastating news and heartbreaking decisions had to be made. I, myself would have paid for surgery to have it removed, but my husband could not fathom spending that kind of money on saving a dog, especially if it was cancer, which he thought could spread and cause imminent death anyway. The vet agreed that letting nature take it's course is an option. After all, Brownie was a senior citizen now and had many tumors. At 12 years old he is walking a bit slower, but still active and happy. The tumor under his arm has made his arm deformed as it extends out to the side more. Brownie's breathing seems more labored and he gets tired-out easily. His appetite has increased from getting 2 meals a day to now 3 meals. He always seems hungry as well as thirsty. At this point we had used the Bark Off device which would make an dog whistle sound if he barked. It worked for a while, but no longer. He now barks incessantly when he is in his kennel, ignoring the whistle. We don't know why. His neck tumor is very hot to the touch and very heavy, stretching the skin so taut that it is now starting to show small scabs where the skin has been broken. It is for these reasons that I believe waiting would only prolong the inevitable, and I don't want him to be in pain.
But how do you say goodbye to your friend? Your guardian angel? Your ever-present comfort?
I will take him for a long walk. He has had all of his dog food, and now is finishing his treats, and I have saved a hamburger for him to have for lunch. He is oblivious to what is in store this afternoon. We follow our daily routine; feeding, potty, morning scratches as he sits at my feet, and his morning nap. And I had a long talk with him. I've told him how much I love him, to please forgive me, and asking God's blessing and to please take him into His care. God only knows what purpose he had for Brownie in our lives. I know we have been blessed beyond measure to experience, grow, and love him. I don't know what God has in store for pets on the other side, if their spirit or energy moves on to the other side. I do know that God is love. And I do know that pets are unconditional love. I do know that God created animals. I believe God has a plan for them as well. I hope to see him again some day, God willing.
Good bye my friend. Until we meet again.
When my oldest son was in 1st grade, my youngest son was in preschool, we bought a beagle/springer mix from Last Hope pet adoption. My oldest, Ethan, claimed him as his own and named him 'Brownie' for his brown eyes and spots. This adorable little puppy won our hearts through sleepless nights of barking because he was lonely, and through chewed up chair spokes and potty-training accidents. He would chase his tail, bark at his reflection in the window, jump up to catch bubbles, and snuggle in your lap.
I soon became his 'alpha dog'. His momma. He followed me everywhere, being careful not to step on his toes. He was my shadow. When he heard the door open he would bark. Sometimes he heard things that I didn't, for which I was grateful. But he hated to be alone. We needed to buy a bark collar for him when he was in his kennel. He loved his crate and received a treat when he would go in it, but he needed to be with people or he barked. Other than that he would not bark much for which we were grateful.
We took Brownie on many family trips to South Dakota and he enjoyed wrestling with Grandma's dog, Tubby. He loved car trips and would run straight for the car when he saw us packing our bags. He enjoyed camping trips, hikes along the MN north shore and our local day trips to parks.
When Brownie was still a puppy, the challenges of raising him became so much that I packed up his belongings and was going to take him to the Humane Society. I struggled with the decision. I finally decided to hand this over to God. I said, "God, if I am going to commit to raising this dog, I need your help. This is your animal that you have put in my care. I promise to give him the best home possible. We will love him completely, but I need your blessing." Brownie was saved from the 'dog pound.'
We've had our struggles through his 'accidents' in the house, sensitive stomach and vomiting on my carpet, getting into the trash cans, eating kleenex, jumping up to eat food off the table and countertop......just to name a few. But I compare raising a dog to raising children. They try your patience, but you love them so much that you forgive them.
When I think of Brownie, I compare his presence in my life to God's presence. It's no coincidence that God created pets to help mankind in many ways. Brownie loves us unconditionally. Even if we are having a bad day and don't pay him any attention for awhile, he comes to us and shows us he still loves us and wants our attention. Just like God, Brownie follows me everywhere. He is always by my side. Sometimes I let him go first, to walk in front of me. Sometimes I let him chase me. And sometimes he just lays by my side for comfort. Even when I go in to a room and shut the door on him, he lays down outside the door, sometimes paws at the door for me to let him in, but he waits.....patiently. When I leave the house and leave him at home with others, he will wait at the window. He will watch me leave, and I've been told he will pace and whimper, and go back to the window and wait, or lay down at the top of the stairs and stare at the door. When I come back home he gets excited and runs to me to inhale me as I shower him with kisses, reassuring him that I missed him too. I believe God is alot like that. He is our father, but in many ways shows us that same unconditional love and devotion that our pets do.
Through the years, Brownie's body has shown signs of deterioration. It started with soft, fatty tumors popping up all over his body. One tumor kept growing so large that it is now the size of a football, under his right arm along his ribcage. One tumor was harder and almond-sized. In 4 years it has grown to be the size of a grapefruit, hanging on his neck, below his collar. The vet extracted cells and said they look like cancer cells. Devastating news and heartbreaking decisions had to be made. I, myself would have paid for surgery to have it removed, but my husband could not fathom spending that kind of money on saving a dog, especially if it was cancer, which he thought could spread and cause imminent death anyway. The vet agreed that letting nature take it's course is an option. After all, Brownie was a senior citizen now and had many tumors. At 12 years old he is walking a bit slower, but still active and happy. The tumor under his arm has made his arm deformed as it extends out to the side more. Brownie's breathing seems more labored and he gets tired-out easily. His appetite has increased from getting 2 meals a day to now 3 meals. He always seems hungry as well as thirsty. At this point we had used the Bark Off device which would make an dog whistle sound if he barked. It worked for a while, but no longer. He now barks incessantly when he is in his kennel, ignoring the whistle. We don't know why. His neck tumor is very hot to the touch and very heavy, stretching the skin so taut that it is now starting to show small scabs where the skin has been broken. It is for these reasons that I believe waiting would only prolong the inevitable, and I don't want him to be in pain.
But how do you say goodbye to your friend? Your guardian angel? Your ever-present comfort?
I will take him for a long walk. He has had all of his dog food, and now is finishing his treats, and I have saved a hamburger for him to have for lunch. He is oblivious to what is in store this afternoon. We follow our daily routine; feeding, potty, morning scratches as he sits at my feet, and his morning nap. And I had a long talk with him. I've told him how much I love him, to please forgive me, and asking God's blessing and to please take him into His care. God only knows what purpose he had for Brownie in our lives. I know we have been blessed beyond measure to experience, grow, and love him. I don't know what God has in store for pets on the other side, if their spirit or energy moves on to the other side. I do know that God is love. And I do know that pets are unconditional love. I do know that God created animals. I believe God has a plan for them as well. I hope to see him again some day, God willing.
Good bye my friend. Until we meet again.
Friday, April 22, 2011
It's Good Friday. Typically a day of reflection filled with sadness, remembering how our Christ was tortured and crucified for our sakes. A perfect lamb taken to slaughter as an atonement for our sins. Yet this day for me is filled with hope. Hope is knowing that on Easter morning our Christ will rise from the dead as he promised, knowing that he conquered death for us and the promise that he will do the same for us through our faith. Hope. Hope can be the difference between health or illness, happiness or sadness, life or death. Hope is a powerful thing.
Five years ago I had just received the news that no one wants to hear, "you have cancer." The previous week, on Easter day, I had to spend the weekend with my mother as well as the Koepsell family, knowing that I needed a biopsy the next week. My mind was full of questions, uneasiness, fear, and hope. I could not tell them anything yet. It felt like I was holding back a huge secret that I could not share. My heart ached. I needed to wait until I knew for sure before I caused them any worry. That following Friday I got the dreaded phone call. Friday the 13th of April. How ironic. My mind kicked into 'business gear'. "Ok, let's take care of business. What do we do next." I didn't have time to worry. I just wanted it out of me and make it go away.
Then faith kicks in high gear. 'Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see.' Hebrews 11:1. This is a 'get on your knees and pray' moment. When something is completely out of your control and in someone else's hands. You give complete control over to God and say "Here. I can't handle this. You need to do this one for me." God takes the lowest moment of your life to lift you up. The get-on-your-knees moments. When you give your trust and control over to God, that's when things start to happen. Coming to the realization that He has an overall plan, but we cannot see the big picture, then you know His will be done. No matter what, He will do things His way to benefit you and your loved ones. It may not seem like it at the moment, but it's all part of the learning process to ripen our spirit. Our faith grows. Our appreciation grows. Our love grows. Our hope grows.
Hope. During my times of prayer I felt enveloped in peace and love. My worries melted away. It's almost as if I heard Jesus whisper, "Have faith my child. You are in my hands. Everything is fine." I felt this inner voice telling me "God is not done with you yet! You have a lot more to learn." Hope. Just knowing I was in His care gave me hope. Just knowing that God has a purpose and a plan for my life and the lives of my family gave me hope. Knowing that no matter what we ask for, He will continue his will. My prayer from then on out was, "According to your will Lord. According to your will. Your will be done. If you want me to learn something from this, then use this time to teach me. Mold me. Help me. Walk with me. And if you need me there with you, I will go with open arms. According to your will."
I am approaching May 1st, the anniversary of my lumpectomy. I call that day the beginning of 'cancer free' even though I had 2 months of daily radiation following. May day is like my Easter Day. It is a celebration day to celebrate new life. Since then I have had an incredible journey learning about myself and about life. It's had it's ups and downs, but I continue to be led by my spirit and the Holy Spirit. I have dedicated my life to live according to His will for me. If I am met with a challenge, I know it has a purpose. If I am met with happiness, I welcome his blessings. I speak my mind when needed, I tell my friends and family and dog how much I love and appreciate them, I want to help others, teach others, and be Christ's hands and feet. Do I still need ripening? Oh ya. I make mistakes. But I don't see them as mistakes anymore. I see them as learning experiences.
Good Friday gives me hope. Even through Christ's torture and suffering and death on the cross, we have the hope that he will rise on Easter morning to conquer death. It's a new beginning. A new relationship with God. A promise. John 3:16- "For God gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." This gives my heart hope and a cause for celebration, to celebrate this gift of life that He has given us.
Have you been on your knees yet? What are you waiting for? It could change your life.
Five years ago I had just received the news that no one wants to hear, "you have cancer." The previous week, on Easter day, I had to spend the weekend with my mother as well as the Koepsell family, knowing that I needed a biopsy the next week. My mind was full of questions, uneasiness, fear, and hope. I could not tell them anything yet. It felt like I was holding back a huge secret that I could not share. My heart ached. I needed to wait until I knew for sure before I caused them any worry. That following Friday I got the dreaded phone call. Friday the 13th of April. How ironic. My mind kicked into 'business gear'. "Ok, let's take care of business. What do we do next." I didn't have time to worry. I just wanted it out of me and make it go away.
Then faith kicks in high gear. 'Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see.' Hebrews 11:1. This is a 'get on your knees and pray' moment. When something is completely out of your control and in someone else's hands. You give complete control over to God and say "Here. I can't handle this. You need to do this one for me." God takes the lowest moment of your life to lift you up. The get-on-your-knees moments. When you give your trust and control over to God, that's when things start to happen. Coming to the realization that He has an overall plan, but we cannot see the big picture, then you know His will be done. No matter what, He will do things His way to benefit you and your loved ones. It may not seem like it at the moment, but it's all part of the learning process to ripen our spirit. Our faith grows. Our appreciation grows. Our love grows. Our hope grows.
Hope. During my times of prayer I felt enveloped in peace and love. My worries melted away. It's almost as if I heard Jesus whisper, "Have faith my child. You are in my hands. Everything is fine." I felt this inner voice telling me "God is not done with you yet! You have a lot more to learn." Hope. Just knowing I was in His care gave me hope. Just knowing that God has a purpose and a plan for my life and the lives of my family gave me hope. Knowing that no matter what we ask for, He will continue his will. My prayer from then on out was, "According to your will Lord. According to your will. Your will be done. If you want me to learn something from this, then use this time to teach me. Mold me. Help me. Walk with me. And if you need me there with you, I will go with open arms. According to your will."
I am approaching May 1st, the anniversary of my lumpectomy. I call that day the beginning of 'cancer free' even though I had 2 months of daily radiation following. May day is like my Easter Day. It is a celebration day to celebrate new life. Since then I have had an incredible journey learning about myself and about life. It's had it's ups and downs, but I continue to be led by my spirit and the Holy Spirit. I have dedicated my life to live according to His will for me. If I am met with a challenge, I know it has a purpose. If I am met with happiness, I welcome his blessings. I speak my mind when needed, I tell my friends and family and dog how much I love and appreciate them, I want to help others, teach others, and be Christ's hands and feet. Do I still need ripening? Oh ya. I make mistakes. But I don't see them as mistakes anymore. I see them as learning experiences.
Good Friday gives me hope. Even through Christ's torture and suffering and death on the cross, we have the hope that he will rise on Easter morning to conquer death. It's a new beginning. A new relationship with God. A promise. John 3:16- "For God gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." This gives my heart hope and a cause for celebration, to celebrate this gift of life that He has given us.
Have you been on your knees yet? What are you waiting for? It could change your life.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)